100 Plus Adult Jokes That Will Tickle Your Funny Bone

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If it seems to you that the title of this article is a little dirty, this one is definitely for you. Enough with the family-friendly jokes and child-appropriate humor. It's time for some dirt and filth that we all secretly crave - dirty jokes or just funny adult jokes, in general, that would not be school-appropriate. And don't be shy; even if you don't like (lies) filthy adult jokes, you must admit that you at least find them funny. And hey, your secret is safe with us.

If you ever find yourself in a gathering with no child nearby, cracking funny dirty jokes for adults is one way to liven up the party. The Susan of the group might give you a disapproving face, but heck, you better believe that she'll surely go see a priest after because she totally got the joke. It doesn't necessarily mean that all jokes for adults are of a sexual nature. Okay, most of them are, but hey, that's why we love them.

Below, we gathered some of the filthiest, dirtiest, or simply funny jokes for adults that the little ones would be better off not hearing. Do you know of any more funny dirty jokes? Have a personal favorite go-to adult joke? Share it with others!

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#1

"My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her."


#2

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.


#3

"I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around.”"


#4

"Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera."


#5

Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.


#6

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.


#7

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves you and never comes back.


#8

"I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy."


#9

"The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved."


#10

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.


#11

"I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section."


#12

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.


#13

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.


#14

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.


#15

Man: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”

Doctor: “To the morgue.”

Man: “What? But I’m not dead yet!”

Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”


#16

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”

Dad: “Call me George.”


#17

"My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow."


#18

For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.


#19

"It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive."


#20

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they all sit in the dark and cry.


#21

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.


#22

"I'll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?""


#23

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read."


#24

"My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?"


#25

Why does a mermaid wear seashells?

Because she outgrew her B-shells!


#26

"As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice."


#27

"I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except for one person."


#28

Option 1: Let’s eat grandma.

Option 2: Let’s eat, grandma.

There you have it. Proof that punctuation saves lives.


#29

"They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline."


#30

"My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals."


#31

"The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."


#32

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one. She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”


#33

Why are cigarettes good for the environment?

They kill people.


#34

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."


#35

"I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors."


#36

Why did the man miss the funeral?

He wasn’t a mourning person.


#37

Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield?

Everywhere.


#38

"Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst."


#39

"If you think I would joke about Alzheimer’s, forget it."


#40

"I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other."


#41

Priest: “Do you have any last requests?”

Murderer sitting in the electric chair: “Yes. Can you please hold my hand?”


#42

"I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane."


#43

I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”


#44

What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?

They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."


#45

Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”?

Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.


#46

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

"I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage."


#47

"I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog."


#48

"I love telling jokes about orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?"


#49

"I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor."


#50

"I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page."


#51

What’s the difference between a baby and a sweet potato?

About 140 calories.


#52

Why did the old man fall into the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well.


#53

Wife: “I want another baby.”

Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one.”


#54

"I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.


#55

Why are friends a lot like snow?

If you pee on them, they disappear.


#56

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.


#57

"It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. But, I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey."


#58

What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas?

No idea. She hasn’t opened her present yet.


#59

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.


#60

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.


#61

"I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."


#62

"When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings."


#63

"Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver."


#64

My wife left a note on the fridge saying, “this is not working”. I don’t know what she’s talking about, the fridge is working fine.


#65

Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.”

Man: “Am I dying?”

Doctor: “No, your wife is.”


#66

What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad?

Lettuce alone without dressing.


#67

"To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state."


#68

When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”


#69

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!


#70

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.


#71

"I read a book about an immortal dog. It was impossible to put down."


#72

"My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2. He never talks about it."


#73

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.


#74

Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty-three times.


#75

What did the Titanic say as it sank?

I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!


#76

Never break someone's heart, they only have one of those. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.


#77

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”

Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”


#78

Why is diarrhea hereditary?

It runs in your genes!


#79

What’s the special dish in a restaurant for cannibals?

Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes.


#80

“I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.” – Chris Rock


#81

What does my dad have in common with Nemo?

They both can’t be found.


#82

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."


#83

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.


#84

"I know a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once."


#85

“British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!” – Jimmy Carr


#86

Knock, Knock!

Who's There?

Howie!

Howie who?

Howie gonna hide this dead body?


#87

"My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support."


#88

Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital?

Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.


#89

"My favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a hero with a twisted back story."


#90

Stop elephant poaching. Everyone knows the best way to eat an elephant is grilled.


#91

If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the crematorium?


#92

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”


#93

Watching my daughter at the park earlier. Another parent asked, “Which one is yours?” I replied, “I’m still deciding.”


#94

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.


#95

When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was, to be Frank in Stein.


#96

The cemetery is so crowded. People are just dying to get in.


#97

"My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” – ’til the accident."


#98

What’s worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?

Biting into an apple and discovering half a worm.


#99

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off!


#100

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.


#101

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.


#102

“Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout, but you also don’t die.”


#103

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”


#104

"My wife and I have decided we don’t want children. The only problem is we already have three."


#105

"My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away. He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade."


#106

"The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis."


#107

Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school?

Because he’s dead.


#108

“If you’re choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, “Heimlich maneuver,” and all will be well. Trouble is, it’s difficult to say “Heimlich maneuver” when you’re choking to death.”


#109

The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.


#110

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor!


Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

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