Computer Jokes

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How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?

They just ransomware.


The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte.
And then everything crashed.


I told my boss, “Sorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.”

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop.


What’s the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.


Why couldn’t the computer take its hat off?

Because it had its CAPS LOCK on.



What computer can sing “Hello”?

A Dell.


My grandpa asked me how to print on his computer.

I told him it’s Ctrl-P.

He said he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.


I dropped my computer on my foot.

It mega-hurts.


Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common…

No-one needed an ABBA cuss.

What’s Forrest Gump’s computer password?

1forrest1.


My boss calls me “The computer”.

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.


How does a computer get drunk?

It takes screen shots.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.


Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.


How do trees get on a computer?

They just log in.


My computer said my password is insecure.

Well maybe if it wasn’t forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.


What was Hitler’s favorite computer game?

Mein Kraft.


What did one computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?

“Darn that was a hard drive.”


Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?

He wanted to be a seƱor developer.


What’s it called when it takes you a while to find RAM for your computer?

Short-term memory loss.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer?

The space bar.


I’ve got a new part-time job for a company making rubberised computer keyboards.

They offer flexible shifts.


My dog ate my computer science homework.

It took him a couple of bytes.


Why can’t elephants use computers?

Because they’re scared of the mouse.


A dog sees a “Now hiring” poster outside of a computer store.

The poster reads: “Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer.”

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in.

The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. “Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter,” and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

“Well, I’ll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?” he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. “Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well… you’re a dog.”

The dog nudges the words “We are an equal opportunity employer.” on the poster, and the manager sighs.

“There’s no way you’re bilingual.”

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, “Meow.”


Saw “IT” last night…

Far less “computer networking” and so much more “murderous clowning” than anticipated.


My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.

I replied, “Sorry I’m fresh out of computer chips.”


My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I’d saved for the book I’m working on called “1,001 cures for itches.”

I guess I’ll have to start again from scratch.


Why did the computer crash?

It was a hard drive.


Why do computers wear glasses?

To improve their web-sight.


How does a computer learn something new?

Bit by bit.


How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.

They log off.


I joined a support group for former computer hackers.

Anonymous Anonymous.


My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper.

Looks like I’m gonna have to write my name and the date again.


A blonde’s office computer had technical issues.

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

“It’s ‘MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'” she replied.

“A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?” the support dude asked.

She said, “Because the computer said the password has to be at least 5 characters and have a capital.”


Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.”

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming, “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!”

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.

Satan observed this and became irate.

“Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?”

God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”


My math teacher told me 0! = 1.

But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1.


While testing a newly installed computer, an army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: “Yes.”

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, “Yes, what?”

Instantly the machine replied, “Yes, sir!”


Why did the spider get on the computer?

To check his website.


Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

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